Excuses

Thursday was a bad day for me. I should have known that when I was posting on the blog in the morning instead of writing. I did not get much writing done, and I was very unmotivated to go to yoga. So, I started coming up with all these excuses for why I shouldn't go to yoga. I'll spare you the inner dialogue, but the excuses won and I went home, made questionable food choices and stayed up too late watching tv. I wrote Friday off because I was feeling low and almost talked myself out of going to the gym in the early evening. Thankfully, the excuses didn't win this time, and I got in 3 good miles on the TM and 20 not-so-good minutes on the exercise bike. Still, I'm very glad I made it to the gym on Friday, and I'm looking forward to starting 10k training next week.

I'm definitely going to have to work on the excuses, but I know that I am strong enough to fight them.

Dissertation writing

I'm in the last throes of my dissertation in terms of time, but I have miles to go before I'm done. The plan is seven chapters, three of which are drafted, though I will have to revise them. I'm part of the way done with a fourth chapter, two of the remaining are intro and conclusion, which don't have to be long, and the final chapter is a lit review which no one will read. Therefore, in the scheme of life, I'm almost done, but it seems like such a daunting endeavor. I hate writing because I'm a perfectionist, and that's all I have left to do. All the quantitative models are run, and I just have to write. It sucks.

I'm trying to finish a chapter this week, and if I do, it will be a miracle. Still, I have to do this, so I will. I wish I could live my entire life just working out, reading, watching movies and cross-stitching. I'm sure that I would eventually get bored, but right now if I contemplate a life of research and constant writing, it makes me a little sad. Not because I'm not intellectually curious, but because I don't think I'm very good. I love the prospect of mentoring students and teaching classes (though I'm a little nervous about the grad class next spring), but I'm worried that I won't be a good enough researcher (or a motivated enough one) to meet my tenure requirements.

Isn't it funny, though, that I'm worried about tenure 6-7 years from now instead of focusing on the dissertation. I think that's because people in my department say that since I have a job for next year, as far as they are concerned, I've already passed my dissertation. Of course, they're not going to fail me now, but I still have to finish writing it, and if it's the first draft of my eventual book, I'd like for it to be as good as it can be. At some point, I know I'm going to have to give up my perfectionist ways, but that's hard to do.

Well, enough procrastinating. On to the work of the day.

In the Shower

This morning while I was in the shower, I was thinking about last night's Biggest Loser and the emotional conversation between Bette-Sue and Ali. I convinced my mother to start watching this season of the show and after the first episode, she said that she could imagine herself being Bette-Sue crawling up the hill and me being Ali, trying to push her up. So, when they had their emotional heart-to-heart about why Ali is fat because of being left alone so much by her mother, it really started to make me think about why exactly I am fat.

I thought about my parents' seemingly loveless marriage; always being compared to my apparently perfect older siblings; the expectations that I would get good grades, perform well in sports, etc. I also remembered all the taunts from kids about my clothes, my weight, etc. I remembered my unrequited crush on a guy for 10 years. I thought about my only real boyfriend who turned out to be kinda crazy. I thought about how much I hated my layers of fat, but how I am afraid that if I lose them, I'll lose my excuses. I thought about how I don't know anyone's marriage that I'd like mine (if I ever get married) to resemble. I thought about how I always have crushes on older, married men in positions of authority because they're somehow safer than men my own age.

I'll probably explore these topics more in the coming days, but suffice to say, I started this day off in a very pensive manner. Hopefully, I can get some work done, both on my dissertation and on myself.

Popping Hips

One of my New Year's resolutions was to exercise more and one of the ways I plan to accomplish this goal is to practice yoga at least twice a week. My favorite class is on Tuesday afternoons because I love the instructor, Monique. She's not one of those twiggy women who I'd love to snap like, well, a twig. She's got curves, and she's very understanding that sometimes our bodies just don't pretzel twist. Yesterday, however, was not Tuesday, so I went to a later class with another woman, Linda, who while somewhat twiggy, is also a bit older and somewhat understanding as well.

Last week I had struggled with my right hip flexor, and I was very frustrated that I had to do modifications of many positions. I know that this is part of the territory, but I'm a competitor and a perfectionist, so I hate to be "less" than what is being asked of me. Like last week, Linda started with core exercises: basically versions of sit-ups. This hurt because my core is not very strong and I had to rest every once in a while. She asked if the exercise hurt my hip (I'm always impressed when yogis remember (1) their students, and (2) their problems from week to week), and I responded that it hurt my weak core. Everyone got a chuckle out of that, even me, so on we went.

My hip felt ok for most of the practice, and I was sweating up a storm. Whoever thinks that yoga is a nice easy way to exercise needs to attend my studio. This made me feel good, though, because right at the end of my work day I started to come up with excuses to keep myself from going. I overcame my own excuses, and I was glad that I was getting my @ss kicked with hard moves. One of the very last things we did was leg moves with a strap. During this sequence, both of my hips popped. It was incredibly loud and then I groaned (because it felt great) so everyone in the class thought something serious had happened. Of course, I was fine, and I finshed the practice.

Walking home in downpour, I was very thankful that I had convinced myself to attend and that tired as I was, I could walk home. I think it's going to be very hard for me to keep self-motivating to work out, but I know it will do me good, even if the scale doesn't say so.

New Year, New Me

As you can see, I haven't posted here in over 2 1/2 years. I guess I never really think that I have anything insighful or interesting to say. . .at least not anything that I think anyone else would find interesting.

Well, that still might be the case, but I'm trying to learn more about myself in the coming months as I get ready to graduate with a PhD, move to a new state, start a job that I'm not quite sure I'm ready for, and start a new chapter of my life. I know I've learned a ton already, especially about my motivations and what stands in the way of success. I hope to be able to learn quite a bit more in the weeks and months ahead.

In the spirit of New Year, New Me, I will list some of my goals for this year. I think it will be interesting to see if I make them, and even more interesting to discover what I learn about myself in the process.

2008 Goals:

1. Academic
A. Finish draft of dissertation by March 5
B. Successfully defend dissertation in April
C. Draft Ch. 6 into an article by August
D. Draft Ch. 5 into article by November

2. Personal
A. Actively pursue dating
B. Keep in touch with current friends
C. Make at least one new friend
D. Finish one cross-stitch picture

3. Health and Fitness
A. Make better food choices
B. Exercise more frequently
C. Run a 10k
D. Run a half marathon

That's good for a start. Let's see how well I do.