In the Shower

This morning while I was in the shower, I was thinking about last night's Biggest Loser and the emotional conversation between Bette-Sue and Ali. I convinced my mother to start watching this season of the show and after the first episode, she said that she could imagine herself being Bette-Sue crawling up the hill and me being Ali, trying to push her up. So, when they had their emotional heart-to-heart about why Ali is fat because of being left alone so much by her mother, it really started to make me think about why exactly I am fat.

I thought about my parents' seemingly loveless marriage; always being compared to my apparently perfect older siblings; the expectations that I would get good grades, perform well in sports, etc. I also remembered all the taunts from kids about my clothes, my weight, etc. I remembered my unrequited crush on a guy for 10 years. I thought about my only real boyfriend who turned out to be kinda crazy. I thought about how much I hated my layers of fat, but how I am afraid that if I lose them, I'll lose my excuses. I thought about how I don't know anyone's marriage that I'd like mine (if I ever get married) to resemble. I thought about how I always have crushes on older, married men in positions of authority because they're somehow safer than men my own age.

I'll probably explore these topics more in the coming days, but suffice to say, I started this day off in a very pensive manner. Hopefully, I can get some work done, both on my dissertation and on myself.