Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Productive day

I'm not known for my ability to focus and get things done. Today was really not that different, but I had so many projects that were this close close to being done and so I went for it. I completed a grant proposal, an article review, a letter of recommendation and an abstract for a conference next year. To put this into perspective, I was almost done with all of these projects, but that's always been the problem. I'm almost done with a ton of stuff and then I never finish. Today, I FINISHED. That may not sound like a lot, but it's been a persistent struggle for me, and completing all those tasks felt wonderful.

The plan for tomorrow is to read an entire dissertation. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm going to give it all I have. How awesome will it be if I can have two days in a row of productivity? As strange (and awful) as that sounds, it would be a huge accomplishment for me. I'm looking forward to the challenge!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Weepy movies

I cried at the end of Terminator 2. Truly. Watching the Terminator voluntarily go into the vat of whatever melted him was really sad. This point highlights that I will probably cry in just about every movie I've ever watched. I cry at the end of romantic comedies, dramas, comic book movies; you name it, I'll cry.

One of the bad crying jags occurred after watching Love Actually which really isn't a sad movie at all, but I cried and cried because of that cute dude who loved Keira Knightly, but she married that other guy. And Emma Thompson's character was so sad, too. Of course, everyone couldn't have a happy ending, but that dude really tore me up. There was just something about him resigning himself to life without her and moving on that touched a chord with me. I wondered if he ever found someone.

I saw the movie with a friend and cried the whole way home. She brought me into my duplex, which I shared with a roommate (Luis), apologized to Luis and bolted. He, of course, couldn't understand how I could go to the movies to see a romantic comedy and come back bawling. We sat on my double papazan while I explained (through sobs) what I thought was so sad. Being incoherent didn't help me clear up the mystery for Luis, but he was a good sport. I ended up falling asleep with my head in his lap, worn out by my tears. He kept patting my head for what must have been about 45 minutes while I slept. When I woke up, I felt really bad that he sat there and patted my head for 45 minutes, but I was glad to know that even if I didn't have a boyfriend, my friends were well and truly awesome.

Tonight I watched The Secret Life of Bees and bawled and bawled when May killed herself. Having gone through a mildish case of depression for about 6 or so months, I was struck by the idea of being so weighed down by sadness, that suicide was a more palatable option. I've never contemplated suicide, and I don't intend to start now, but as I watched the movie, I was struck by her sadness, and it started the waterworks. It reminded me that whatever is going on in my life, whether it's my dad's declining health, my professional stumbles, or personal loneliness, I do not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and therefore, I have the strength to get through the problem. So, while I was concerned about whether or not I would hyperventilate, I am not concerned about my adaptive abilities and my capacity to deal with life's sadness and worries. It may difficult to deal, but it won't be impossible.

Friday, May 14, 2010


Lack of motivation is going to be a recurring theme of this blog, and it's really frustrating to me. In all kinds of ways, I want to accomplish a lot, both professionally and athletically, yet for some reason, I am my own worst enemy. I get started really well, and then I fall off the wagon. Exercise-wise, last week was phenomenal. I ran 5 days and did p90x 4 days...and lost 4 pounds. This week, I ran ONCE, did p90x ONCE and I can see the weight piling back on. Additionally, I'm exhausted. Granted, last night I only got about 5 hours sleep, but then I took a 5 hour nap this afternoon. Crazy. And, as soon as I finish this post, I'll go back to bed and likely sleep a solid 7 hours.

I do have one bright spot to report: I finished a stitch project yesterday. It's a small project for a friend, but it only took me a couple of weeks, which is a record for me. Working on it every day was a key to finishing. Now, I need to apply that consistency to other areas of my life.

I know I've made a lot of progress on many of my issues, especially in the last six months or so, but consistency and motivation are the big ones that really inhibit my success in so many areas. It's times like this when I really ache for a partner who can encourage me and push me. If I can't have a partner, a 'kindred spirit' would be so helpful as well; one who actually lived in the same town as me. I feel so isolated and my reaction is to sit on my couch and watch tv, eat mostly bad food and feel sorry for myself. And all the volunteering in the world won't make that better, it seems. I need companionship, and I fear that loneliness is my lot. And that's exhausting.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Glee addiction

Quick post: I came home relatively early to practice my cello (which I did), but instead of going to bed afterward, I sat down and watched tonight's Glee. I can't seem to stay away. And next week is Neil Patrick Harris! :swoon: Except for a stupid episode here and there (and the first part of the season was better than the current part, Madonna excepted), it's an awesome show! Will probably spend tomorrow night watching the part of this season that I stupidly erased from my DVR.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Better results

Mondays are weigh-in days, and I'm much happier with today's result than last week. I got all five of my runs in this week, and I completed 4 p90x routines. Additionally, I tried to limit bad food (though I did slip several times during the week). The result: a 4 pound weight loss. That makes me happy. It's nice to see the scale moving in that direction for a change.

It's really funny that it took me 2 years to lose 20 pounds, but I gained that same amount back in 4 months. Boo! Still, hopefully I can keep my motivation going and make quicker work of those pesky pounds. Certainly, I can't rest on my laurels, and I need to keep working hard, but it's nice to get positive reinforcement with what I'm doing. This coming weekend, it's going to be nearly impossible to get my workouts in because I'm volunteering at the Big 12 track championships, but I'll be running around, so hopefully I will be burning some calories.

Hard work, good eating and exercise...I guess it's a simple enough plan for better results.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Accepting compliments

As we were waiting for the softball game to start tonight, the captain of my team and I were talking about the fact that I've had the same glove since I was 9 or 10 and I should probably get a new one since there was no padding left in mine. He suggested that I get a first baseman's glove since that's my position. I've been playing first base pretty much since I started with this team two summers ago, largely because I fell down my basement stairs during the second week of the season and wrenched my right shoulder as I grabbed the railing to keep from falling the whole way down. Due to the wrenching, I couldn't really throw the ball from the outfield and they put me on first so I could do something productive. Turns out, I'm pretty good.

Anyhow, the captain suggested I get a first basemen's glove and I suggested that I might not always play first base. His response: You're so good, there's no way we're moving you. Now, this is a beer league softball team made up of mostly nonathletic academics, so "good" has a pretty loose definition, but it was a nice thing to say. He went on to say that I was the reason there was a co-ed team from our department. This seemed really crazy, so I pressed him about what he meant. He said that it was rare to find a female player who was really good at first base, and having such a player was critical because it allowed us to play a guy on third base. Blah, blah, blah, accusations of sexism, blah, blah, blah, and the end result was that if our team didn't have a good female first basemen, it would have been hard to recruit enough guys to play.

Now, to me this is crazy generally, but it's even crazier because all I do is catch the ball. Seriously, I barely field and just catch the ball with my foot on the bag. It's true that the left side of our infield can get a little wild and I have had some spectacular catches, but the idea that the team would be impossible to field without me on first is just a crazy thing...and a very flattering compliment. Which, of course, I had real difficulty accepting.

I'm not sure why I don't believe people when they say nice things to me, but I don't. I try to argue with them and convince they why I'm not as good/worthy/whatever as they seem to think. I'm trying to learn to say "thank you" and leave it at that, but it's hard. Funnily, even if I do manage not to argue with the person, in my head, I still say what I would have said to the person aloud.

Apparently, I'm indispensable to my beer league softball team. Thank you.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Pain in the @ss

Wow, am I sore.

I did two workouts on Tuesday and Thursday and my glutes are rebelling. So, I allowed myself to be a bit of a slacker today and took the day off. I intend to go back to two workouts tomorrow, but today, I just needed to let my body rest.

My schedule is helping me get things done, and I'm proud of that, but there's more work to do. I really need to be working on my diet. It's seems like I can't have two things working at the same time. If my fitness is in hand, my diet goes to crap, and if I ever get my eating to a good place, I tend not to be exercising (but usually both are in bad shape). I don't know why this is, but I need to address it. My running would be so much better if I could shed all this unwanted weight. And I'd love to shed it sooner rather than later. Eating french fries, potato chips and pop is not going to make that happen.

One step at a time...if my glutes cooperate.