Lonely in a Crowd

I was at a party the other week, and about 3 hours into it, I realized that I was all alone in the middle of a crowd.

While that was not the most fun feeling I've ever experience, what is worse is that I haven't been able to shake it, even 2 weeks later. I'm not one of those people who have a ton of friends all the time. Typically, I have one or two friends with whom I do almost everything. I don't know if this is a function of not being able to pay attention to multiple people at once, or if like at the party, when I'm in the middle of a crowd, I feel alone. The few friends at a time that I have, though, are true, deep and important friends, and I love spending time with them, talking with them and sharing my life and theirs. The problem arises when they leave.

My best friend moved away to graduate school about 5 years ago. While we still talk on the phone several times a month, she is now living with a very nice man and her life and mine are not on the same trajectory. We both know other people and some times it's so exhausting to explain the context, that it's almost not fun sharing the stories. I still love her dearly and I eagerly anticipate our time together, but it's just not the same. She's not HERE.

My first year in graduate school, my closest friend was Andrew. After our first year, Andrew got married and his wife moved to town. She doesn't really like me. I don't think it's personal, but we don't have much to talk about. Since his marriage, I spend almost no time with my friend. I was very sad (and still am sometimes) because I loved spending time with him and always had a smile on my face when with him. I miss him.

After Andrew's marriage, my closes friend was Luis. We lived together for three years and spent quite a bit of time together. We watched movies together on the weekends, and spent many an hour over dinner talking about the world. We always joked that we would be the perfect team to compete on The Amazing Race because we were smart people who would do well, but we'd also be highly entertaining because we have the most random conversations. People on the bus, on the street, and in our department would just shake their heads during our conversations because we disagreed with each other just for fun. Luis, however, began dating a woman he met during his Master's program, and moved out shortly afterward. I think he moved out partly because she didn't like the idea of him living with another woman, no matter how platonically. Recently moved to live with her, as she lives out of state. We talk on the phone every once in a blue moon, but it's simply not the same.

So here I find myself, 2.5 weeks from a dissertation deadline, 6.5 weeks from a dissertation defense and 8.5 weeks from graduation, and I've got no one in my immediate vicinity with whom to shares the ups and downs (mostly downs) of my life. I've been very sad recently and I don't know what to do about it. I guess the most immediate thing to do is gut it out and get my dissertation finished. If I don't do that, so many other things in my life will be unhappy. I guess I must also make myself promise that I will work very hard when I get to the new job to make friends. This one-at-a-time stuff is nice in theory, but it is really difficult when that one person finds another person.