I hate journaling, but I need an outlet

The reason there' s nothing ever posted on this blog is that I actually hate the process of journaling, which is how I view this process. I don't have enough going on in my real life to post news items or other such stuff on a regular basis, and I definitely don't want most of my friends to keep this close of tabs on me. Still, having moved to a new place, I'm finding myself in serious need of friends, and as that process is slowly unfolding, I figure I could pretend that I'm writing to a friend here and release much of my frustration in a non-self-defeating form.

I guess the starting point is that I'm lonely. I miss having people around who I can talk to at any point. Back in graduate school, I could walk down the hall, or through the graduate carrels and always find someone to talk to. Going home to an empty house wasn't even that daunting because I had just filled myself up on people at school. Now, I'm the new girl in town and I don't know my colleagues well enough to know that popping by their offices is "proper behavior" or not. Since I'm the new girl, I also want to impress these people. They took a calculated risk in hiring me (as all new hires are), and I want to prove to them that they made a good bet. Unfortunately, my loneliness and sadness about all the change that has occurred is seriously affecting my productivity.

Also affecting my productivity is living with a very bad decision and alternating between beating myself up for it and trying to give myself a break about it. The short version is that I got involved with a man who turned out to be less than ideal in a situation that was certainly less than ideal. I was happy and then I wasn't, and now I'm sad and a little guilty about it, but I can't undo it. Someone who might have been a friend isn't and I'm left wondering what it is about me that has led me to this point in my life. I'm perpetually single and afraid of relationships. I'm gregarious and independent while simultaneously, I'm shy and needy. I'm worried about overburdening my true, close friends by leaning on them too hard, but they're the only people who I know won't judge me and my truly stupid decisions.

If I could, I would excise all emotions from my brain and just get work done. Then, when convenient, I would add the emotions back in and interact with people. I look out into the world and I see that other people struggle with relationships, but somehow, even in the struggle, they seem to be happy. I don't think I know what happy feels like. I was in a conversation at lunch today where I made the categorical statement that I wouldn't attach myself to a man who couldn't get a credit card on his own. Someone said, "Well, now you're just getting picky," in a joking way. It did make me stop and think about how picky or not I'm actually being. I know that I romanticize relationships too much, and that no person is "perfect", but I also believe that I am worth enough as a person not to settle for something that doesn't make me happy. I am worried, however, that since I don't know what happiness feels like, I will turn away from opportunities and people that make me happy.

This is really all a moot point because I don't know anyone, especially men. A new friend is having a to-do at her house, but it's all women. In general, this should be fun, but most of these women are married, so the likelihood that they'll know unmarried guys in probably nil. I'm trying not to make this the sole fixation of my thoughts, but I'm sad, and I've always believed that if I were in a relationship, I'd be happier. I know, objectively, that this is not true, but when everything else is unsatisfying, it's nice to dream.

I'll stop the pity party now, but there will probably be more later. I'm just warning you. . .